{"id":21321,"date":"2021-04-18T20:23:42","date_gmt":"2021-04-18T17:23:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sozbizde.com\/?p=21321"},"modified":"2021-04-18T20:28:07","modified_gmt":"2021-04-18T17:28:07","slug":"21321","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/2021\/04\/18\/21321\/","title":{"rendered":"\u00c7ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n itiraf\u0131d\u0131r"},"content":{"rendered":"

Engin \u015eirin<\/strong><\/p>\n

Herkes h\u0131rs\u0131z pe\u015fine d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f\u2026 \u201c\u00c7al\u0131nd\u0131 \u201cdiyor. \u201cNerede?\u201d diyor. \u201cKim?\u201d diyor As\u0131lan,\u00a0 indirilen pankartlar… Kimse \u00fczerine alm\u0131yor. Demek ki benim. Evet benim\u2026<\/p>\n

\u00c7ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n itiraf\u0131d\u0131r:<\/strong><\/p>\n

FeKa minib\u00fcs \u0130zmir\u2019e do\u011fru yol al\u0131yordu. \u0130\u00e7ini alt\u0131 ki\u015filik bir aile, t\u00fcm e\u015fyalar\u0131m\u0131z hayallerimiz ve heyecanlar\u0131m\u0131zla doldurmu\u015ftuk. Haaa, bir de bir \u00e7uval un vard\u0131, day\u0131m\u0131n verdi\u011fi. A\u00e7 kalmaya kar\u015f\u0131 sigorta olaraktan. Sanki Fizan\u2019a gidiyoruz\u2026 Yol topu topu 45 kilometre\u2026<\/p>\n

Arkam\u0131zda i\u00e7inde t\u00fcrl\u00fc \u00e7i\u00e7eklerle g\u00f6n\u00fcllerimizi s\u00fcsleyen, \u00e7e\u015fit \u00e7e\u015fit meyve a\u011fa\u00e7lar\u0131yla bizleri besleyen evimizi b\u0131rak\u0131yorduk. Ev demek yetmez bilin\u00e7 ve bedenlerimizin do\u011fal bir uzant\u0131s\u0131yd\u0131 sanki.<\/p>\n

Leylek zaman\u0131 koca avluda leyleklerin tak taklar\u0131n\u0131 izleyi\u015flerimiz\u2026Leyleklerle ortakla\u015fa kulland\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bacam\u0131z\u2026Art\u0131k kullan\u0131lmayan eski binadan d\u00f6rt karde\u015f birlikte elekle ku\u015f avlamaya \u00e7abalar\u0131m\u0131z\u2026 kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7an annemin,\u201d Uyan\u0131n, bak\u0131n yo\u011furt ya\u011fm\u0131\u015f\u201d dedi\u011fi \u00f6n bah\u00e7emiz\u2026 Hayat\u0131m\u0131zda belki de bir kere yedi\u011fimiz kar helvas\u0131\u2026 dar\u0131 \u00e7entti\u011fimiz, t\u00fcrl\u00fc oyunlar\u0131 oynad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z \u2018hayat\u2019\u2026topraktaki deliklere su d\u00f6k\u00fcp i\u00e7lerinden \u00e7\u0131kan kurba\u011falar\u0131 ablamla birlikte kovalay\u0131\u015flar\u0131m\u0131z\u2026 iki ayva a\u011fac\u0131 aras\u0131na yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z sal\u0131ncak \u00fczerinde att\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z, ayva yapraklar\u0131na as\u0131l\u0131 kalan kahkahalar\u0131m\u0131z\u2026ille de yemi\u015f (incir) a\u011fa\u00e7lar\u0131; dallar\u0131na \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p \u2018sar\u0131lira\u2019 k\u0131vam\u0131na gelenleri bulup mideye indirdi\u011fimiz\u2026<\/p>\n

Zaten bizler i\u00e7in k\u00f6yde ba\u015fkaca bir \u015fey de yoktu diz boyu yoksulluk ve bir s\u00fcr\u00fc zengin akraba d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda. Annem sava\u015f boyalar\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc bir kere. \u00c7ocuklar\u0131 amcalar\u0131n\u0131n, day\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131n yan\u0131nda \u00e7oban ya da \u2018bedel\u2019 olmayacakt\u0131. \u0130zmir\u2019de okuyan okuyacak, \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan da \u00e7al\u0131\u015facakt\u0131. Sava\u015f\u0131n sonu malum \u0130zmir yolundayd\u0131k.<\/p>\n

Her \u015feyi ve bir s\u00fcreli\u011fine de olsa dedemi geride b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k\u2026<\/p>\n

Hepimizin ayr\u0131 ayr\u0131 hayalleri vard\u0131 elbet \u0130zmir\u2019e dair. Benim i\u00e7in \u0130zmir k\u0131sa pantolondu\u2026 alabros tra\u015ft\u0131\u2026 ko\u015farken sa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131n u\u00e7u\u015fmas\u0131yd\u0131\u2026 Teyzemin \u00e7ocuklar\u0131na yak\u0131n olmakt\u0131\u2026 (ko\u015farken sa\u00e7lar\u0131m hi\u00e7 u\u00e7u\u015fmad\u0131, u\u00e7u\u015famad\u0131 ya; o ayr\u0131 konu\u2026)<\/p>\n

E\u015frefpa\u015fa\u2019 da, \u00c7imentepe\u2019ye \u00e7\u0131kan yoku\u015fun eteklerinde, 588 Sok. No1, k\u00f6\u015fede bir ev. Ev de\u011fil bodrum. \u00d6yle bir yerden gelmi\u015ftik ki buras\u0131 sanki toplu aile mezar\u0131m\u0131z gibiydi.\u00a0 K\u00f6\u015fedeki elektrik dire\u011finin lambas\u0131 elektri\u011fe al\u0131\u015fmam\u0131z\u0131 kolayla\u015ft\u0131rm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc k\u00f6yde gaz lambas\u0131 kullan\u0131yor ve gece kapatmay\u0131p k\u0131s\u0131yorduk. Karanl\u0131kta de\u011fil, lo\u015f \u0131\u015f\u0131kta uyumaya al\u0131\u015f\u0131kt\u0131k. Hep umutlar\u0131m\u0131za tutunduk. \u0130yi yanlar\u0131n\u0131 abartt\u0131k; ba\u015fka \u00e7are yok ki\u2026<\/p>\n

\u0130lkokula \u0130zmir\u2019de ba\u015flad\u0131m. Kocatepe ilkokulu b\u00fcy\u00fccek bir evden uyarlanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Kay\u0131t s\u00fcresi ge\u00e7ti\u011finden m\u00fcd\u00fcr beni kabul etmek istememi\u015fti ama Dedemle olan eski dostlu\u011fu sebebiyle okula kabul edilmi\u015ftim.<\/p>\n

\u015eehriban \u00d6\u011fretmen o kadar iyiydi ki\u2026 Al\u0131\u015fabilmem i\u00e7in her t\u00fcrl\u00fc ilgiyi g\u00f6steriyordu. Hatta pencere kenar\u0131na bile oturtmu\u015ftu. Ara s\u0131ra pencereden d\u0131\u015far\u0131 izlememe ses \u00e7\u0131karm\u0131yordu. Caddeyi g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum. Caddenin arkas\u0131nda Arap Camii vard\u0131. Caminin alt\u0131nda tenekeciler, semerciler ve kahvehane bulunuyordu. Caminin yan\u0131ndaysa nakliye i\u015fi yapan at arabalar\u0131 ve hamallar g\u00f6r\u00fcl\u00fcyordu.<\/p>\n

Bir g\u00fcn bir e\u015fek an\u0131rmas\u0131 her yan\u0131 sard\u0131. O kadar heyecanlanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m ki aya\u011fa kalkarak daha iyi g\u00f6rmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u201cNe o, k\u00f6y\u00fcn\u00fc m\u00fc \u00f6zledin?\u201d sorusuna \u201c\u00d6\u011fretmenim, ilk defa e\u015fek g\u00f6rece\u011fim. Bizim k\u00f6yde hi\u00e7 e\u015fek yoktu. S\u0131rf motor (trakt\u00f6r) vard\u0131\u201d cevab\u0131m \u015eehriban \u00d6\u011fretmen\u2019i, \u00e7ok g\u00fcld\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc.<\/p>\n

Mustafa Kademli diye bir arkada\u015f vard\u0131 s\u0131n\u0131fta. \u00c7ok pop\u00fclerdi. Ko\u015farken sa\u00e7lar\u0131 u\u00e7u\u015fuyordu. Aram\u0131z da \u00e7ok iyiydi. Ama k\u0131skanm\u0131\u015f\u0131m demek.<\/p>\n

Herkes teneff\u00fcse \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f, s\u0131n\u0131fta bir tek ben kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u0130ki s\u0131ra arkaya gittim\u2026kalbim yerinden \u00e7\u0131kacak gibi at\u0131yordu\u2026sanki g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcmde de\u011fil de a\u011fz\u0131mdayd\u0131\u2026 s\u0131ran\u0131n i\u00e7ine girdim\u2026 Mustafa\u2019n\u0131n \u00e7antas\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7t\u0131m\u2026 alfabesini ald\u0131m\u2026mavi kab\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcndeki etiket ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 belaya sokabilirdi; kaplama ka\u011f\u0131d\u0131n\u0131 y\u0131rt\u0131p s\u0131ran\u0131n alt\u0131na att\u0131m\u2026\u00e7\u0131r\u0131l\u00e7\u0131plak kalm\u0131\u015f alfabeyi al\u0131p \u00e7antama koydum ve \u00e7antam\u0131 s\u0131rada b\u0131rak\u0131p h\u0131zl\u0131ca bah\u00e7eye \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Dersimiz okumayd\u0131 ve \u00f6\u011fretmenler zilini bekliyorduk. Arkada\u015flar\u0131ma babam\u0131n beni ne kadar \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fini ve ne kadar zengin oldu\u011funu, bana ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 yeni alfabeyle anlat\u0131yordum. S\u0131n\u0131fta hangi \u00e7ocu\u011fun iki alfabesi vard\u0131 ki\u2026 benden ba\u015fka tabii.<\/p>\n

\u00d6\u011fretmen \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131n kitaplar\u0131 demesinden bir dakika kadar sonra Mustafa a\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131. Vah vah\u2026 nas\u0131l da a\u011fl\u0131yor\u2026u\u00e7sun bakal\u0131m sa\u00e7lar\u0131n \u015fimdi\u2026<\/p>\n

Mustafa, \u00f6\u011fretmenimizle birlikte ba\u015flad\u0131 herkesin kitab\u0131n\u0131 incelemeye. \u00c7antamda benim, s\u0131ram\u0131n \u00fczerinde O\u2019nun kitab\u0131. Kafamda \u015fim\u015fekler \u015fimdi \u00e7akt\u0131 ama de\u011fi\u015ftiremiyorum kitaplar\u0131. De\u011fi\u015ftirsem herkes anlayacak. Me\u00e7hul bir sona do\u011fru gidiyorum. \u00d6n\u00fcme geldiler. Kitab\u0131n kapa\u011f\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7t\u0131. \u0130\u00e7 sayfada da ad\u0131 yaz\u0131yormu\u015f. \u201cBu\u201d dedi kalbim durdu. \u00d6ld\u00fcm.<\/p>\n

\u015eehriban \u00f6\u011fretmen bir sinir krizine tutuldu ki anlat\u0131lamaz. Kula\u011f\u0131ma yap\u0131\u015f\u0131p s\u0131radan s\u00f6kt\u00fc ald\u0131. Aman tanr\u0131m. Yer misin yemez misin? Darma da\u011f\u0131n oluyorum b\u0131rak\u0131yor. Yoruluyor tabii\u2026 Sonra yeniden. Bense hi\u00e7 ac\u0131 duymuyorum. \u00d6lm\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm bir kere. Ayr\u0131ca bu bir \u015fey de\u011fil ki! Ev var\u2026 Babam var. Hayat\u0131mda dayak de\u011fil fiske yememi\u015fim\u2026Ah ev\u2026 Ah babam.<\/p>\n

O heng\u00e2me aras\u0131nda yeni bir kelime \u00f6\u011freniyorum: Miskin. Tabii uzun bir s\u00fcre anlam\u0131n\u0131 h\u0131rs\u0131z san\u0131yorum. Okulun hi\u00e7 de Adile Na\u015fit\u2019e benzemeyen toparlak y\u00fczl\u00fc hademe teyzesi s\u0131n\u0131fa dal\u0131p beni \u00f6\u011fretmenin elinden al\u0131yor. Beni d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnden de\u011fil. \u00d6\u011fretmenime \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcyor. \u201cB\u0131rak\u0131n \u015fu miskini. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 belaya sokacaks\u0131n\u0131z. De\u011fmez\u201d diyor. Ben miskinmi\u015fim\u2026<\/p>\n

Ben o arada eve s\u00f6yleyece\u011fim yalan\u0131 bulmu\u015ftum: Art\u0131k mutlu bir \u015fekilde daya\u011f\u0131m\u0131 yiyebilirdim.<\/p>\n

Beni okul \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan \u00f6nce eve yollad\u0131lar. Yollar\u0131 ilk defa yaln\u0131z y\u00fcr\u00fcyordum. Yol boyunca yalan\u0131m\u0131 tekrar ediyor eksiklerini tamaml\u0131yordum. Eve yakla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131mda bir mucize kar\u015f\u0131mda duruyordu: Dedem. Beni \u00e7ok \u00f6zlemi\u015f gelmi\u015f\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cNe bu halin?\u201d dedi endi\u015feyle.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00d6\u011fretmenim bana h\u0131rs\u0131z dedi… Beni b\u00f6yle d\u00f6vd\u00fc… \u0130ftira\u2026Benim alfabem var ki ben neden \u00e7alay\u0131m?.. B\u00fcy\u00fck s\u0131n\u0131flar biz teneff\u00fcsteyken bizim s\u0131n\u0131fa girip bunu yapm\u0131\u015flard\u0131r\u2026 Zaten hep yap\u0131yorlarm\u0131\u015f\u2026 Arkada\u015flar\u0131n duydum\u2026\u00d6\u011fretmene anlatamad\u0131m ki\u2026 Dinlemedi, sadece d\u00f6vd\u00fc\u2026\u201d haz\u0131rlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m senaryoyu s\u0131ral\u0131yorum da s\u0131ral\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n

Dedem zaten aya d\u00f6rt \u015feritli yol yapt\u0131m desem inanmaya haz\u0131r. Bileniyor ama nas\u0131l? K\u00f6ye gidecekmi\u015f ama kald\u0131. Evdekileri ikna da O\u2019na kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n

Dedem Arnavut damarl\u0131 bir Alasonya muhaciriydi. Yani k\u00fcf\u00fcrs\u00fcz konu\u015famazd\u0131.<\/p>\n

Sabah m\u00fcd\u00fcr\u00fcn ad\u0131n\u0131 da \u00f6\u011frendim; Abidin\u2019mi\u015f. Okulun bah\u00e7e kap\u0131s\u0131ndan girer girmez \u201cBre Abidin\u2026 Bre p.venk ben sana torunumu bunun i\u00e7in mi emanet ettim? Nerde o k.ltak?\u201d Durmuyor, dinlenmiyor, son g\u00fcc\u00fcyle ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yor. Yer k\u00fcf\u00fcr, g\u00f6k k\u00fcf\u00fcr. \u00d6\u011fretmenler odas\u0131n\u0131n penceresinden \u00fcrkek bak\u0131\u015flar. Ben i\u00e7imde su\u00e7luluk, d\u0131\u015f\u0131mda gururla yan\u0131nday\u0131m dedemin.<\/p>\n

M\u00fcd\u00fcr bah\u00e7eye ko\u015farak geldi. \u201cYapmay\u0131n, etmeyin Muhittin Bey\u201d diye yalvar\u0131yor. Dedem k\u0131st\u0131rd\u0131 ya daha da ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yor, k\u00fcf\u00fcrlerin dozaj\u0131n\u0131 daha da artt\u0131r\u0131yor.<\/p>\n

Bu olay M\u00fcd\u00fcr Odas\u0131\u2019nda \u00d6\u011fretmenim \u2019in benden \u00f6z\u00fcr dilemesiyle noktaland\u0131. \u00d6nce Dedemin a\u011fz\u0131n\u0131 kapatmak i\u00e7in ba\u015flayan s\u00fcre\u00e7, bir de dedemin \u00fcst\u00fcn ikna kabiliyetiyle \u00f6\u011fretmenimde vicdan azab\u0131na d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ferek sonlanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u00d6\u011fretmenimin \u00e7aresizli\u011fine o kadar \u00fcz\u00fclm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm ki.\u00a0 Ama h\u0131rs\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 beni yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131, \u00fcst\u00fcne bir de yalanlarla \u00f6\u011fretmenimin ba\u015f\u0131na \u00e7orap \u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc nas\u0131l a\u00e7\u0131klayabilirdim? Ben de vicdan azab\u0131 \u00e7ekiyordum. Dile kolay, 30 sene s\u00fcrd\u00fc..<\/p>\n

Sonunda a\u00e7\u0131klad\u0131m tabii\u2026\u201cBen \u00e7alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m\u201d diyordum. \u0130nanan inan\u0131yor ama annem inanm\u0131yor, \u00d6\u011fretmenimi korumaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyordu. H\u00e2l\u00e2 da inanmaz\u2026.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Engin \u015eirin Herkes h\u0131rs\u0131z pe\u015fine d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f\u2026 \u201c\u00c7al\u0131nd\u0131 \u201cdiyor. \u201cNerede?\u201d diyor. \u201cKim?\u201d diyor As\u0131lan,\u00a0 indirilen pankartlar… Kimse \u00fczerine alm\u0131yor. Demek ki benim. Evet benim\u2026 \u00c7ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":16032,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[21,1,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-21321","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-engin-sirin","category-genel","category-yazilar"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21321","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21321"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21321\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":21324,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21321\/revisions\/21324"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16032"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21321"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21321"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21321"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}