Ne zerafetin kald\u0131 ne asaletin.. duruluk, naiflik, efendilik zaten yana\u015fmad\u0131 yan\u0131na hi\u00e7 bir zaman…<\/p>\n
Ezberledi\u011fin, al\u0131\u015fageldi\u011fin \u00fc\u00e7 be\u015f s\u00f6zc\u00fckle ge\u00e7iyor \u00f6mr\u00fcn, ”herkes”in \u00e7ar \u00e7abuk ”herkes” oluverdi\u011fi g\u00fcnlerde, ne de h\u0131zl\u0131 ”herkesle\u015fiverdin”?.. Ne \u00e7abuk kar\u0131\u015f\u0131verdin kalabal\u0131klara? ne \u00e7abuk O’nlardan oluverdin? Nas\u0131l da i\u015fine geldi ”s\u0131radanla\u015f\u0131vermek”?…<\/p>\n
Kendinden olan, neredeyse hi\u00e7bir \u015feyin, olmad\u0131 hi\u00e7.<\/p>\n
Ne \u00e7abuk, kaba, hoyrat, f\u00fctursuz, had’siz, hal bilmez oluverdin. Sormayal\u0131, sorgulamayal\u0131, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp ”farkl\u0131” bir \u015fey demeyeli ne \u00e7ok zaman ge\u00e7irdin.<\/p>\n
Masalara oturdun hasbelkader, birileri anlatt\u0131… birileri ”bir \u015feyler” ya\u015fam\u0131\u015ft\u0131… Dinledin O’nlar\u0131… Ama yaln\u0131zca dinledin, ama ba\u015f\u0131ndan, ama sonundan \u00e7ok\u00e7a da ortas\u0131ndan. Yetindin!…<\/p>\n
Ba\u015fka masalarda ”satmak” i\u00e7in. B\u00f6yle ”daha iyi” oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc; o masa’da senin anlataca\u011f\u0131n ”hi\u00e7bir” ya\u015fanm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131n yoktu. Ama; masa’dayd\u0131n ve ”herkes”e kar\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131n. Uzaktan, O’nlardand\u0131n. Bu da yetti sana. O’nlar konu\u015fuyordu nas\u0131lsa, Araya kayn\u0131yordun nas\u0131lsa:)<\/p>\n
Ne dip dald\u0131n g\u00f6nl\u00fcne, ne de bir ilmek att\u0131n \u00f6mr\u00fcne. S\u0131\u011f sular\u0131nda bir ileri be\u015f geri ad\u0131mlar\u0131nla y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcn!…<\/p>\n
Ne seyreldi\u011finden haberin oldu ne eksildi\u011finden. Bir sat\u0131r bile eklemedi\u011fin \u2018’kendin”e ne \u00e7ok be\u011feniler ald\u0131n ”sen” gibilerden. Oysa, ne akl\u0131n\u0131n ne de kalbinin fikri vard\u0131.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Mesela, nerede kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131n en son ”kendin”de, en son kalbinin hangi sesi \u00e7\u0131nlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 kula\u011f\u0131nda, en son ne zaman ”kendine” yol alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131n?… Hadi ald\u0131n diyelim, itiraf et, ilk durakta hemen indin.<\/p>\n
Cam’lar nas\u0131l da bu\u011fulan\u0131verdi de\u011fil mi? i\u00e7erisini g\u00f6remedin…<\/p>\n
Zor i\u015f’ti vesselam; herkese kar\u0131\u015f\u0131p O’nlar gibi olmak varken, ”kendin”olabilmek. \u00c7ok’lar aras\u0131nda olmak hakl\u0131 k\u0131l\u0131yordu nas\u0131lsa…<\/p>\n
Ezber s\u00f6zler, kli\u015fe ahkam’lar risk\u2019i s\u0131f\u0131rlard\u0131 her zaman. Hep ortaya ” ortalama” bir \u015feyler koyuvermek ne kolayd\u0131.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Oysa, adamak\u0131ll\u0131 s\u0131yr\u0131l\u0131nmal\u0131yd\u0131 bu ”ayn\u0131” l\u0131ktan. Ar\u0131n\u0131lmal\u0131yd\u0131, kurtulunmal\u0131yd\u0131. Bir \u00e7i\u00e7ek kopar\u0131lmal\u0131yd\u0131 k\u0131rlarda gezerken ama o \u00e7i\u00e7ek ”farkl\u0131” kokmal\u0131yd\u0131. Olmad\u0131, olamad\u0131…<\/p>\n
Mesela, y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcn ya yollarda, kendi ad\u0131m’\u0131n, kendi ayak izin var m\u0131yd\u0131 hi\u00e7 bakt\u0131n m\u0131? San\u0131rs\u0131n bir ki\u015fi y\u00fcr\u00fcm\u00fc\u015f, hep ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n ad\u0131mlar\u0131na basa basa.<\/p>\n
Ama olsun du:) \u0130\u00e7i bo\u015f ”vakur”lu\u011fu t\u0131pk\u0131 bir sancak gibi tuttun elinde ve hi\u00e7 b\u0131rakmad\u0131n.<\/p>\n
Ve b\u0131rakmad\u0131n kimselere ”efe’li\u011fi”, oysa bir efe \u00e7ar\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n ba\u011fc\u0131\u011f\u0131, cepkeninin boncu\u011fu bile de\u011fildin.<\/p>\n
O ”ortalar\u0131ndan” yakalad\u0131\u011f\u0131n muhabbetleri, sanki ”sen”mi\u015fsin gibi anlatt\u0131n ba\u015fka masalarda. Oysa tek bir karesinde bile yoktun. Att\u0131n, satt\u0131n, ya\u011fd\u0131n, g\u00fcrledin ve en \u00e7ok o zaman ”kendin” oldun.<\/p>\n
Alt etti\u011finde, ezdi\u011finde, \u015fah’lan\u0131p k\u00fckredi\u011finde sevdin en \u00e7ok ”kendini”. Doyamad\u0131n aynalara bakmalara, oysa surat\u0131na bak\u0131lamayacak kadar i\u011fren\u00e7tin o s\u0131ra…<\/p>\n
Kibr\u2019inden da\u011flar yap\u0131p, \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131n doru\u011funa, ”ak” hep ”kara”yd\u0131 ve ”kara” olmal\u0131yd\u0131. Oysa ”ak” \u00e7ok de\u011ferliydi ve ger\u00e7ekti.<\/p>\n
”Ne’ne gerek senin taht-\u0131 revan” diye bir \u015fark\u0131 var ya hani, ”sen” gibilere yaz\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Kimbilir, ”kim” lerin can’\u0131n\u0131 yakt\u0131n, tarumar ettin ruhlar\u0131n\u0131?.. Renk’lerine g\u00f6re ay\u0131rd\u0131n insanlar\u0131 ve zulmettin ve h\u00fckmettin onlara. Oysa bin kat su’dan ge\u00e7sen de zifiri siyah\u0131n ge\u00e7medi kalbinden.<\/p>\n
Yok ederken, y\u0131k\u0131p d\u00f6kerken, k\u0131yarken ne de kolay ”kendin”oluyordun. En \u00e7ok bildi\u011fin buydu. Ba\u011fnaz’l\u0131k kara bir katmand\u0131 bedeninde. Bir zehir gibi kustun Ne merhamet ne vicdan zerresi yoktu y\u00fcre\u011finde.<\/p>\n
Ne d\u00fc\u015f’\u00fcn oldu uykunda; ne g\u00fcl’\u00fcn vard\u0131 koynunda, hadi s\u00f6yle; insanlar\u0131n inci beyaz\u0131 umutlar\u0131n\u0131 nas\u0131l k\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, iklimlerinden bahar’lar\u0131n\u0131 nas\u0131l \u00e7ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131.<\/p>\n
Ho\u015f!… dal\u0131ndan filizi koparan, yerdeki gazele ne yapmazd\u0131 ki.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Sahiplendin ”hi\u00e7bir” zaman \u2018’senin” olmayan\u0131, yery\u00fcz\u00fcnde ne kadar ip varsa dolad\u0131n boynuna, ”sevdim” diye diye, \u00fcstelik bile bile…<\/p>\n
Hep zulmettin sevdi\u011fine. Oysa bir tek an bile bakmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131n ”g\u00f6zlerine”. Oysa, c\u00fcmle alemi ”uzaktan” kand\u0131rmak, \u00f6yleymi\u015f gibi ”sand\u0131rmak” ne \u00e7ok geldi i\u015fine…<\/p>\n
En ac\u0131s\u0131, esirin ”elindeydi” ve ”k\u0131p\u0131rdayam\u0131yordu”\u2026 Oralar hep ”sen’den” soruluyordu. Dokun, yalana \u00e7ald\u0131, et’in hep ”haval\u0131yd\u0131”.<\/p>\n
”kendin” den olan g\u00fcruha \u00e7anak tuttun, bunca g\u00fcnaha imza att\u0131n hep. Seni top’lara m\u0131 tutmal\u0131, ate\u015f’lere mi atmal\u0131, ”sen” le a\u011fz\u0131na kadar dolu cehalet kuyular\u0131.<\/p>\n
Ah..ruhu kara k\u00f6t\u00fc insan\u2026 ne yaz\u0131k ki art\u0131k \u00e7ok ge\u00e7, eksi\u011fini, noksan\u0131n\u0131 koyamazs\u0131n yerine. Ka\u00e7 ”hayat” \u0131skalad\u0131ysan o kadar ”zarardas\u0131n”…<\/p>\n
Bebek’ken dinledi\u011fin o masallardaki kahraman’lar bile kurtaramaz seni.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Vahim olan \u015fu ki; ”sen’de” hal b\u00f6yle iken, \u015fuursuzca \u00fcredin ve hala \u00fcremeye devam ediyorsun ya, anlam\u0131yorum bu merak\u0131n niye?…<\/p>\n
Gel bir iyilik yap giderayak y\u00fcce insanl\u0131k ad\u0131na,<\/p>\n
”sen’in” k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn yedi cihan’a yetecekken, b\u00fcy\u00fck zul\u00fcm oluyor nesl’ini s\u00fcrd\u00fcrmen.<\/p>\n
Yapma!..<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
beyhan duran<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Ne zerafetin kald\u0131 ne asaletin.. duruluk, naiflik, efendilik zaten yana\u015fmad\u0131 yan\u0131na hi\u00e7 bir zaman… Ezberledi\u011fin, al\u0131\u015fageldi\u011fin \u00fc\u00e7 be\u015f s\u00f6zc\u00fckle ge\u00e7iyor \u00f6mr\u00fcn, ”herkes”in \u00e7ar \u00e7abuk<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6308,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[462,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8952","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyhan-duran","category-yazilar"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8952","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8952"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8952\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8955,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8952\/revisions\/8955"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6308"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8952"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8952"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8952"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}