Zulm\u00fcn\u00fc insanl\u0131ktan esirgemeyen, eli k\u0131zg\u0131n ma\u015fal\u0131 hayat\u0131n; hepimize bir \u015fekilde uzayan ellerinden, hayallerimizi tutsak etmesinden, a\u011fudan beter zalimli\u011finden \u00e7ok \u00e7ektik c\u00fcmleten.<\/p>\n
(Cov\u0131d-19) yani \u015fu bizim korona yasaklar\u0131n\u0131n bayg\u0131nl\u0131k verdi\u011fi \u015fu karbon aras\u0131 g\u00fcnlerde, ba\u015fkalar\u0131ndan neyimiz eksik ki diyerek, \u00e7\u0131kmam\u0131z laz\u0131m kendi k\u00fcrs\u00fclerimize, ”kendimize sesleni\u015f” konu\u015fmas\u0131 yapmam\u0131z laz\u0131m bizimde…<\/p>\n
\u00d6ncelikle, dallar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 budamal\u0131, sulamal\u0131 arada diplerini e\u015felemeli ki, g\u00fcn gelir de d\u00fc\u015feyazarsak, o dallardan hi\u00e7 de\u011filse birine tutunman\u0131n muhte\u015fem keyfini s\u00fcrebilmek i\u00e7in.<\/p>\n
Hayat g\u00fczergah\u0131nda yol al\u0131rken, \u00e7al\u0131-\u00e7\u0131rp\u0131, moloz-domuz, yoku\u015f-viraj bunca ke\u015fmeke\u015f, bunca debdebe aras\u0131nda bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc d\u00fcze \u00e7\u0131kamay\u0131p, derince bir melankoli vaha\u2019s\u0131na d\u00fc\u015fmek ka\u00e7\u0131n\u0131lmaz olur hep.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
En altta ”elvan elvan\u2019\u2018 duranlar\u0131n, sere serpe \u00fcste \u00e7\u0131k\u0131vermesi ile, kap\u0131m\u0131zdan hi\u00e7 eksik olmaz ‘derin mutsuzluk’.<\/p>\n
Sonra, malum oldu\u011fu \u00fczere, ko\u015far ad\u0131m \u00e7ilingire gitmeler, \u00f6nce oda kap\u0131s\u0131na, sonra da ruhun kap\u0131s\u0131na esasl\u0131 bir asma kilit al\u0131p takmalar, illa ki g\u00f6zler kararana dek, g\u00f6lgemizin dibinden hi\u00e7bir yere k\u0131p\u0131rdamamalar. O g\u00f6lge ”mahal” de serinlemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken de, bi\u00e7are zihnimizde \u015f\u00f6yle yava\u015ftan yol almalar:<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Ne zamand\u0131r, kalbimin delini\u015fini izliyor ve hi\u00e7 bir \u015fey yapam\u0131yordum. B\u00fct\u00fcn ac\u0131mas\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ile \u00fczerime geliyordu hayat hi\u00e7bir \u015fey anlam\u0131yordum. Karanl\u0131k bir suya at\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, naralar atmal\u0131yd\u0131m. Atam\u0131yordum.<\/p>\n
Y\u00fcr\u00fcyordum, neredeyse may\u0131ns\u0131z tek bir ad\u0131m\u0131 bile olmayan koca bir tarlada. Soluksuz ve hareketsiz kalmak en do\u011frusuydu bu durumda. \u00d6yle yap\u0131yordum.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
\u0130\u00e7imde, \u00e7ok derinlerde, kimsenin bilmedi\u011fi, bilse bile ula\u015famayaca\u011f\u0131 uzakl\u0131kta bir \u015fehir vard\u0131 ve ben, o \u015fehrin merkezinde (tam da ku\u015flara yem at\u0131lan yerinde) pusuya yatm\u0131\u015f \u00f6ylece duruyordum.<\/p>\n
Felaket denecek kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck bir bo\u015fluktu bu. Bu bo\u015fluk nerede bo\u015fald\u0131 tekrar nas\u0131l dolard\u0131 hi\u00e7 bilmiyordum. Bu halime hapsolmu\u015ftum, b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015flar\u0131m kapal\u0131yd\u0131.<\/p>\n
Ke\u015fke dev bir s\u00fcnger gelse de beni emse diyordum.<\/p>\n
G\u00f6n\u00fcl hanem ne bedbahtt\u0131.<\/p>\n
Bir bata\u011fa, bal\u00e7\u0131ktan bir g\u00f6le g\u00f6m\u00fcl\u00fcy\u00fcm sanki.<\/p>\n
Diyorum ki bazen, i\u015fi \u00e7\u0131ksa, sabaha do\u011fmasa g\u00fcne\u015f! Ya da \u00f6l\u00fcverse! O’nun ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, beni kimse g\u00f6rmese, g\u00f6remese…<\/p>\n
\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc; bu k\u00f6t\u00fc halim cilalanacak o parlay\u0131nca, ne fena!<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Sanki, derin bir denizde minik bir sandalm\u0131\u015f\u0131m da sa\u011fa sola yalpal\u0131yormu\u015fum, en k\u00f6t\u00fcs\u00fc ‘kara’ g\u00f6r\u00fcnm\u00fcyormu\u015f. Ya da b\u00fcy\u00fck ve s\u0131ms\u0131k\u0131 \u00f6r\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f bir a\u011fa yakalanm\u0131\u015f, i\u00e7inde kalakalm\u0131\u015f\u0131m. Hi\u00e7bir yerinden ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 \u00e7\u0131karacak kadar bile olsa y\u0131rt\u0131\u011f\u0131 yokmu\u015f.<\/p>\n
Bir bo\u015flu\u011fa dikip g\u00f6zlerimi, derin derin bak\u0131yorum \u00f6ylesine. Nerede bulurum kopmu\u015f par\u00e7alar\u0131m\u0131? Hadi buldum diyelim toplarken ya ellerime batarlar da kanat\u0131rlarsa. \u00d6yle \u00e7oktular ki, hepsi bendim.<\/p>\n
Zavall\u0131 bir sefil gibi ortal\u0131kta kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m…<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerim, duygular\u0131m beynimin i\u00e7inde sava\u015f\u0131yordu, bazen aralar\u0131ndan biri z\u0131pk\u0131n gibi \u00f6ne f\u0131rl\u0131yordu di\u011ferlerini ge\u00e7ip. Karmakar\u0131\u015f\u0131kt\u0131 her \u015fey. Ne yapsam sakinle\u015femiyordum. Bir b\u00fcy\u00fck kazan, alt\u0131nda harl\u0131 bir ate\u015f yan\u0131yordu hi\u00e7 durmadan.<\/p>\n
Dumanlar\u0131 i\u00e7imi kapl\u0131yor, fokurtusu kulaklar\u0131m\u0131 zonklat\u0131yordu. \u0130\u00e7imdeki volkan fersah fersah g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fcyd\u00fc benden. Kayboluyordum kendimde.<\/p>\n
Ah tanr\u0131m! Bir k\u00fcre\u011fe toplanm\u0131\u015f s\u00fcpr\u00fcnt\u00fcyd\u00fcm, i\u015fe yaramaz, kar\u0131\u015f\u0131k, sessiz, toz kokan.<\/p>\n
Her yan\u0131m griye boyanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n
B\u00fct\u00fcn bu \u00fcst \u00fcste gelenler, duyduklar\u0131m g\u00f6rd\u00fcklerim biriktirdiklerim bana, sanki bir felaket a\u011fac\u0131 var da durmaks\u0131z\u0131n meyveleniyor hissini veriyordu. Kule yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m oyun k\u00fcplerim tek tek devriliyordu.<\/p>\n
Kuma g\u00f6m\u00fcl\u00fcyordum adeta, b\u00fct\u00fcn bedenim s\u0131zl\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n
Bu hal’im resmen bir \u00e7\u00f6k\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc!<\/p>\n
Tam da ah anne! dindir ac\u0131m\u0131, beni g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcnde uyut! madundayd\u0131m.<\/p>\n
Bu koyu melankoli, cibinlik gibi \u00f6rt\u00fclm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc \u00fczerime, \u00e7\u0131kmak i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131n\u0131yordum, kulaklar\u0131mda kendi \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131m…<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
Umutsuzluklar\u0131mdan da\u011f yap\u0131p en y\u00fckse\u011finde oturdu\u011fum g\u00fcnlerin birinde, aniden b\u00fcy\u00fcs\u00fc heybetli bir hale beliriverdi. Onun etkisi ile, alev topuna d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm birden. Bu yak\u0131c\u0131 s\u0131cak, kal\u0131n kabu\u011fumu eritecek miydi yoksa?<\/p>\n
B\u00fct\u00fcn bu kabusu \u00e7\u0131ra gibi tutu\u015fturacak m\u0131yd\u0131?<\/p>\n
Omzumda, ruhumda, haf\u0131zamda ne kadar y\u00fck varsa ate\u015fler i\u00e7inde yansa ve k\u00fcl olsa ke\u015fke…<\/p>\n
Ne \u015fa\u015faal\u0131 bir \u015f\u00f6len olurdu tanr\u0131m! \u0130\u00e7imin kutsal topraklar\u0131ndaki o uzak \u015fehirde, p\u00fcr ne\u015fe olsa her yan…<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
O b\u00fcy\u00fcs\u00fc heybetli hale, i\u00e7ine d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm melankoli vahas\u0131na uzatt\u0131\u011f\u0131 eli ile yakalay\u0131verdi elimi ve usulca e\u011fildi kula\u011f\u0131ma: ”Yeter d\u00f6vd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn kendini, toparlan gidiyoruz’\u2018!…<\/p>\n
Yeter bunca eziyet, griye hakaret\u2026<\/p>\n
Her veda gridir asl\u0131nda ammmmaaaaaaaa… Siyaha yak\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131 bat\u0131\u015fa, beyaza yak\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131 do\u011fu\u015fa delalet…<\/p>\n
Uyan, silkin, y\u0131kan, ar\u0131n! Buz gibi sularda kendine gel, ge\u00e7ip aynan\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na dik g\u00f6zlerini g\u00f6zbebeklerine ve veda et siyahlar\u0131na.<\/p>\n
Ne kurur yaralar\u0131n \u00e7ar\u00e7abuk ne birden bitiverir dertler, onlar durakoyacak bir yanda hep ve zaman onlar\u0131 eritecek.<\/p>\n
Sen, vakit ge\u00e7 olmadan grinin beyaz yakas\u0131na atmal\u0131s\u0131n kendini, sonra da da\u011f\u0131lan bozulan her yere \u00e7eki d\u00fczen vermelisin yava\u015ftan. Kap\u0131lar\u0131 aralay\u0131p panjurlar\u0131 a\u00e7 ki havalans\u0131n ortal\u0131k.<\/p>\n
Bedeninden uzayan hangi dalsa eline gelen, ona s\u0131ms\u0131k\u0131 tutunmal\u0131s\u0131n. Nas\u0131l olsa hepsi senden.<\/p>\n
Sonra o dallara tutunup kendine yeniden do\u011fman\u0131n muhte\u015fem hazz\u0131na varmal\u0131s\u0131n…<\/p>\n
Tamam d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcn, dibe \u00e7\u00f6kt\u00fcn.<\/p>\n
\u015eimdi vur topu\u011fu!…<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
beyhan duran<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Zulm\u00fcn\u00fc insanl\u0131ktan esirgemeyen, eli k\u0131zg\u0131n ma\u015fal\u0131 hayat\u0131n; hepimize bir \u015fekilde uzayan ellerinden, hayallerimizi tutsak etmesinden, a\u011fudan beter zalimli\u011finden \u00e7ok \u00e7ektik c\u00fcmleten. (Cov\u0131d-19) yani \u015fu<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6308,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[462,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9197","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyhan-duran","category-yazilar"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9197","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9197"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9197\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9199,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9197\/revisions\/9199"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6308"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9197"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9197"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arsiv.sozbizde.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9197"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}